What Friendship Means To Me

Friendship is one of the most important aspects of life. We all have people around us whom we consider friends—those we feel safe with, those we confide in, and those we share parts of ourselves with. The people we surround ourselves with play a huge role in shaping our lives, influencing our decisions, and determining the energy we carry.

But as we go through life, we come to realize that not all friendships are good for us. Sometimes, we hold on to people who don’t align with our values, who don’t celebrate our successes, or who, in subtle ways, pull us down rather than lift us up. And as much as we hate to admit it, sometimes the issue isn’t about whether a person is “good” or “bad”—it’s about whether they’re the right friend for us.

I once came across a quote by Trevor Noah: "There are no bad friends, only bad friendships." That really struck a chord with me. It made me realize that just because someone is a good person doesn’t automatically mean they’ll be a good friend to you. Even the kindest, most well-meaning people may not be the right friends for you, and even those considered “bad” by society have people who cherish them. So, what really makes a friendship good or bad?

When Friendships Hold You Back

One major sign of a bad friendship is when your goals and ambitions don’t align. You might have big dreams—to build a career, start a business, move to another country, or simply improve yourself in some way. But if your friends don’t share a similar mindset, they might unknowingly become a weight pulling you back.

I experienced this firsthand when I was planning to migrate to the UK. Back in Nigeria, I had friends who had no interest in leaving, which in itself was fine. But what I noticed was that whenever I talked about my plans, they didn’t seem excited or supportive. Instead of engaging with my ideas or offering encouragement, they would dismiss the conversation or change the subject. Over time, I realized that their lack of enthusiasm was draining my energy and making me second-guess myself.

So, I made a tough decision—I distanced myself. Not because I suddenly hated them, but because I needed to be in an environment where my dreams weren’t met with indifference. And honestly, that decision made all the difference. If your friends don’t inspire you or support your growth, it’s worth asking yourself whether they should still hold such a big place in your life.

When Friendship Becomes a Competition

A little competition between friends can be a good thing. Sometimes, seeing a friend excel pushes you to do better—it can motivate you to level up, challenge yourself, and reach for things you might not have pursued otherwise.

But with a bad friendship, competition stops being about growth and starts being about proving who’s better.

Ever had a friend who suddenly takes an interest in everything you’re doing—not because they actually care, but just because you’re doing it? You start going to the gym, and suddenly, they’re hitting the gym too—not because they want to be healthier, but because they can’t stand the thought of you progressing while they aren’t. You take a course or work on a new skill, and next thing you know, they’re doing the same—not because they see any value in it, but just to one-up you.

It’s not about mutual encouragement—it’s about outshining, about proving that they’re ahead. And that kind of energy is exhausting.

Instead of lifting you up, it slowly makes you doubt yourself, feel drained, and question whether you even want to share your achievements anymore.

The real difference between healthy and unhealthy competition is this:
✔️ Healthy competition pushes both people forward.
❌ Unhealthy competition makes one person feel inadequate.

A real friend wants to see you win, whether or not they’re winning too. A fake friend only wants you to succeed as long as they’re doing better.

When Friends Aren’t Happy for You

Another red flag is when someone isn’t genuinely happy for your success. Of course, there will be moments when friends question your decisions because they care. But when you notice a pattern—where every time something good happens to you, they react with indifference or jealousy—it’s a sign that the friendship isn’t healthy.

Have you ever shared great news with a friend, expecting an excited response, only to be met with a lukewarm reaction? Or worse, instead of saying "Congratulations!" they hit you with something discouraging like, "Are you sure you can handle that?" or "I know someone who did that and they were miserable."

That’s not concern—that’s subtle negativity disguised as advice. And if you notice it happening repeatedly, it might be time to reconsider that friendship.

When Friendship Feels Draining

Sometimes, you don’t need a specific reason to feel that a friendship isn’t right. The biggest sign is how you feel after spending time with them.

A good friendship should leave you feeling lighter, happier, and more energized. If you always feel drained, anxious, or uneasy after interacting with someone, that’s your intuition telling you something is off.

I once had a friend who, although not a bad person, always seemed to leave me feeling worse about myself. Every time we hung out, I left feeling less confident, as if my energy had been sucked out of me. Eventually, I realized it wasn’t anything they said directly—it was just the general vibe of negativity and competition they carried.

Trust your gut on this. If you constantly feel bad after seeing someone, that friendship might not be the right one for you.

When Friends Pressure You to Be Someone You’re Not

A good friend allows you to be yourself. A bad friendship forces you to pretend, change, or compromise your values.

Maybe you don’t drink, but your friends always pressure you to. Maybe you’re introverted, but they constantly push you into situations that make you uncomfortable. Maybe you value deep conversations, but they only want to gossip.

One of the hardest but most important lessons I’ve learned is this: If you have to pretend to be someone else around a friend, they are not really your friend. True friendship means being accepted for who you truly are, not who someone wants you to be.

What Makes a True Friend?

So, if these things make up a bad friendship, what makes a good one?

A true friend is someone who:
✔️ Supports your goals and ambitions, even if theirs are different.
✔️ Celebrates your successes genuinely, without jealousy.
✔️ Makes you feel energized, not drained after spending time together.
✔️ Allows you to be your authentic self without pressure to change.

It’s easy to point fingers at others and say, "They’re not a good friend." But real self-growth comes from also asking, "Am I a good friend?" Friendship is a two-way street, and for every expectation we have of others, we should also reflect on whether we provide the same in return.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, friendship isn’t about whether someone is good or bad—it’s about whether they bring value to your life. Someone can be a wonderful person but still a terrible friend to you. The key is being honest with yourself about which friendships uplift you and which ones hold you back.

Because life is too short to spend with people who don’t bring out the best in you.